Tell Me What I Would Do, Not What You Would Do

Loneliness is a good thing when one is overwhelmed. It’s a bad thing when you finally need to talk and your doubts accumulate. When we need to put into words what we need and long to do. Loneliness is crap when we want to share one of our silly whims with others, but there just isn’t any. We end up calling someone when the couch, the rug, and the ice cream can’t function as a lifeline. We have tried them, but they do not clarify any of our questions or doubts.

So we look at our phones and look in the contact list for someone to call, someone to take the weight off our shoulders. With most people, we can guess what they want to say to us. When it comes to others, we know they are not responding to us. They do not have time to drink a cup of coffee with us. Or maybe they are listening to us while they are thinking about other things.

I’m talking to you so you want to listen to me

I’m telling you about it so you can give me warmth.  So you can  understand what I am going through in hard times. For you to know what makes me angry, what makes me cry in hidden corners and hide under the duvet on a sunny day. I do not need you to tell me that you warned me. I know  you would never get into that situation.

But you do not feel my fears, my demons, my hopes or my longings. Whether they are personal or universal. And you’re not the captain of my life. It’s me who’s it, even though I sometimes swear it far away and feel like throwing it out the window. Do not “ underestimate me. “Even though I have a crazy temperament, I do not take the important things in life lightly.  I take it very seriously. I would never do that if I did not think it was right for me. Even if it turned into the unfortunate situation that now brings tears to my eyes. 

I do not need you to scold me. I already have  a conscience I can not shut my mouth on. Not even by subjecting me to the worst torture. It screams louder than my ability to ignore it. Insistent, stubborn and tireless. It’s clear that this is mine. You should not laugh either, it’s not fun. If you think laughter makes the situation better or less serious, then you are wrong. The only thing you do is make me feel even more indifferent. And I already feel very small. 

I do not want to know what you would do

I also do not want to know what you would do in my shoes. At least not until I feel confident you’ve understood me. That you have not only put on my shoes, but that you can see it all from my perspective and want to listen. I need to feel that you are willing to bear the weight of my problems. If you do all that, you might be able to help me choose between my options, but without taking your original position.

Do not think I will listen to you just because I have made mistakes before. It does not give your criteria and your judgment more value than mine. Do not forget that I have not given up taking responsibility for accepting what has happened. Or what’s going to happen. These are independent decisions. And yes, maybe you should experience that I’m making another mistake, but… I did not do the same for you?

Hug me. I’ll have to say everything out loud. Forgive me. Forget it. It just comes from my bad mood. But you can hug me anyway. Right now, it will reassure me. I will even leave you a little at peace now that you have spent some time bearing all my burdens. I want to let you get back to where you were before and I want to listen to you. Tell me what  worries you, what you long for, what you would kill for or if you’re just hungry. If the latter is the case,  then I have some ice cream left. Maybe you want some?