I Can Not Be Fooled With Your Teddy Bear Clothes

I promise you will never touch her arm, foot or hand. You also do not want to kiss her again. For she has run out of tears, and I have no fear left in me. I can not imagine anything worse than the life you gave us with your toxic love. I can no longer be fooled.  I’m no longer your little girl, you used to lock yourself in a room and shout. The girl you let your frustrations go beyond, frustrations that were born out of ghosts in you. Ghosts that seemed to grow with booze.

You first stopped when you ran out of strength due to the arrival of the night. Or when you were so loud that you were afraid that the neighbors would find out what was going on. For outside our doors you were a complete gentleman. I once heard yourself say that you were not like the men on TV shows that you washed your dirty clothes at home. But no one knew what kind of dirt you were talking about. They did not even have a clue.

You may be my father, and I can not change that. Although I really wish I could because that word is too big for you. Even more than the awful teddy bear clothes you used to give me when I was younger and with which you tried to ease your conscience. But I can not be fooled with your teddy bear pajamas and your empty words.

At first you asked for forgiveness, but I can no longer be fooled

At first you woke up in the morning and said you were sorry. With the sunrise, you were the one who was afraid of losing everything. You continued to be a werewolf and became a scared man. You cleaned up the mess, went down to the market and made exactly enough juice for just one glass. Then you woke my mom with a kiss and looked for the right words so she could hold on to the hope that you would change. You did not realize that even those who love you can not be fooled by your acting.

You said you loved us, wanted to change yourself and felt bad about what you did. You asked for forgiveness and promised that you would do better, reflect on what you did, and not do it again . Then you clenched your fists and the anger returned. Firmly, you tensed your palms as if the separation of the air you breathed in would cover your words with truth. While trying to soften my mother’s heart, you hated yourself. You went from one emotion to another until you went so as not to come back until sunset.

For the first few months, my mom believed in you. She got me out when I hid under the bed. She told me with tenderness what you had said to her with broken and broken words. Some of them she pretended. Many others she imagined. Then she would get up and have breakfast with you. She repaired the table, made more juice so there was enough for me too, touched your shoulder and called to me. When I stepped in, you covered your face with the newspaper. Because in my young eyes you could not find the faith and hope that was still enlightened in my mother’s eyes. I can not be fooled, and you always knew that.

You left us with your anger

One day came when there was no more juice where mom stopped believing in you. One day she no longer picked me up from the floor but cried as you slammed the door. Another day came when you decided it was no longer worth continuing with the show. It was just a waste of energy. So at night you came with anger, and in the morning you went alone with more anger. There was no more nightwear for me because the furniture in the house is not covered differently during the day than during the night.
Instead of pajamas, you started giving me a slap once in a while. You thought I was mature enough to learn with your fists what life was like. You never understood I was still a child and you stole my childhood little by little every day.

I can remember many blows, but I especially remember the first one where I touched my face and saw blood. In that moment, I became aware that my destiny was bound with destiny on the table and the chairs. Soon I had to need repairs myself: patches, plaster, ways to hide my wounds. Unpleasant questions at school and several blows due to my bad grades. And fewer friends because of the days spent locked inside my house.

The useless review

One night Mom decided we should sleep in one of her friends’ houses. It was the night of the first review. It was not my mother who submitted the review, but her friend. Because you destroyed her house when you were looking for us. That night you made the great effort to repeat the words from the beginning. You repeated them in a light and hoarse voice. You spent the night in jail. They let you go the next day. Mom spent the whole night crying. Her tears gave the required strength to file a review against you on wet paper. Cops came to the house in the morning and she closed the door in their face.

You came back with your head bowed, but within a few days you forgot the hours spent in prison. I do not want to know what the next step is. I’m so tired of reading the newspapers and watching television. You think they are exaggerating to look for morbid stories to sell when you see it from the outside. But when you live it, you realize that they are indifferent. I can not be fooled by your words. Because of that, I want you to take this letter with you when they handcuff you today.

A letter asking you never to come back here again. If there is a love in you, if there is any humanity left in you, you will not come back. All these years I have been a stranger to you. Now it’s me telling you you do not know what I can do to keep her safe. That’s what I want most, understand it.

With the truth, with love, with all the courage I have accumulated over the last few years. With the same blood you spilled that day with your first blow. I promise you you will never touch her arm, foot or hand. You also do not want to kiss her again.

Signed: The little girl who can not be fooled with your teddy bear nightwear.